Love Notes

I sat down with the intention of shutting everything down and hopping into bed to be really warm for the first time all day.
Instead I started sorting out emails (deleting, archiving; something that is a little of a time waster but actually is soothing to me in an OCD sort of way).  Inevitably I see ones about my brother that make me cry a little, but tonight was not the night I stopped on those.  The ones I kept coming across in a random-seeming manner were ones from him, from this man I have this dance with.
I haven't ever gotten too far away from thinking about him since we met, some years ago now, but in the last couple weeks he's been especially present in my thoughts.  Maybe it's my maternal clock, or my gray hairs, or my count-down to 30, but anyway the thought that has been re-appearing in my head is that maybe we should give it a shot, like a real shot, like we never really have before.
I read these emails from every few months over the last couple years and I felt foolish tonight.  They aren't notes, I realized, they are love letters.  Spread out it's harder to see, but then I think of him and how little he gives up, how as little as he's let me in is many times more than he's let almost anybody else in, and I think of the things I've written about him, and how he's seen me in many a situation (with family, at a party, by myself, healthy, sick, sad, happy, on vacation, at work, in a relationship, in a break up, single, single and hunting, hot, cold, naked, clothed...) and I have clarity.  Not direction or purpose, maybe, but clarity.
I don't know if we'll ever really make that leap.  Sadly, but sweetly too, I write that knowing how much I'll miss him one day if we don't.

The Things Left Unsaid

I miss you.  I miss your calming presence, I miss your quiet.  I miss your comfortable shape, I miss you holding my hand.  I miss your soft voice and the way you curve your r's.  I miss the way you kiss me.  I miss your hands.  I miss your beard and I miss your clean-shaven.  I miss loving each other but not daring to say it.

Nothing Owed

"You are not accountable to me" he said with the familiar sweetness in his voice after he said it was good to hear you and I apologized for being less than available.
I never thought those words would ever make me feel less than comfortable and liberated, but from him it made me want to be accountable.

Come Inside

I arrived at another theory on men and relationships today, one that will join a lengthy, well researched, and dare I say it wise list.

All of us have had someone (or more likely someones) who seems to have the secret password to our defenses.  They can get to us beyond what may seem reasonable or in many instances a good idea.
This is not to say that we automatically turn into suckers or doormats for this password-knowing person, but it is much more of a struggle to not spend an exorbitant amount of time thinking about the next time you'll see each other, whether they think about you even close to as much, and how bad you want this to be more than it probably ever will.

Allow me to digress...  I am one of the most open people I know in terms of personal subjects.  Relationships, friendships, pain, sex, and any number of awkward things that people usually tend to keep pretty close to the chest are all things that I, for the most part, am happy to discuss.  (That's basically what this whole thing is about after all.)  I am also easily comfortable around just about anybody.  This openness and comfort level allow me to form a bond with people more quickly than most.  I realized long ago that even if my enthusiasm for someone isn't reciprocated, it will probably be appreciated, and to me that is still a win.

It is safe to say my knack for bonding with people has also lent itself to me getting involved too quickly in romantic relationships.  I crave a deep connection with people which means that I tend to look past things that will eventually prove to be fatal flaws in a possible relationship.  After recognizing this pattern, I find it very difficult to trust my emotions for somebody on a romantic level.  I am getting better at following my gut instincts, which time and time again have proven to be a reliable compass, but I still have my doubts and my hurdles.  (Remember?  And this?) 

My point here is that even though I'm getting better at filtering who I really let in, there appears to be someone that has figured out the secret door and has more than once slipped inside to where I want to hold on to him and share more of me than may be prudent.  Not purposefully and unbeknownst to him I believe, and probably as surprising to him as it is unsettling to me.