The Things Left Unsaid

I miss you.  I miss your calming presence, I miss your quiet.  I miss your comfortable shape, I miss you holding my hand.  I miss your soft voice and the way you curve your r's.  I miss the way you kiss me.  I miss your hands.  I miss your beard and I miss your clean-shaven.  I miss loving each other but not daring to say it.

Attachment Revised

Today Laundry Girl put up a fantastic post...

" 'Don't ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody.' - JD Salinger

When you tell someone something personal about yourself, you have essentially given a part of yourself to that person. That's called attachment. In the most basic sense. It's just that simple. So, if you don't want to be attached to someone, keep your goddamn mouth shut. And no touching.

But, if you ask me, that all sounds very boring. I'm going to tell you things. I might even touch you. And if I do, I will most definitely get attached. And, consequently, I will miss you if either one of us decides to leave. Deal with it. I can."

I will probably tell you lots of things, and some of them you won't want to know.  I am an over-sharer.  I also really like touching, and I'll want you to touch me too.  But if you want to touch me today, and then don't tomorrow, be an adult and tell me.  Don't show a lack of respect by running away and therefore taking from me the the opportunity to deal with it and still respect you.  That's basically all I ask.

I've been attached to more people than is probably healthy for my young age, and I couldn't feel better about it.  I would change very very few things about my love (or sex) life as I've lived it, and I don't plan on starting to keep my "goddamn mouth [or legs for that matter]" shut now.  

So with all due respect to Mr. Salinger, may he rest in peace, I am going to keep taking my chances on missing you one day.

'Tis...

Now is the moment, before the parties and the hugs and the reunions and all the things that I know I will be "on" for, when I question if I can do it, when I feel my most fragile and my most sad. 

I realize what I am in a room of people, be it three others that I know when or 50 that I may not, that I attract attention.  I have since I was a child although I've owned it since I was a teenager.  Usually I like the attention, I like the energy, I like that I can feel close to people fairly quickly with little more than a smile and a touch on the arm.

It has been a very busy two months and I have not taken almost any time for myself.  I don't know what this would have meant two years ago but now it means I haven't allowed myself to think too much about how much I miss my brother.  I realized that some nights ago when I found myself on the floor in a ball sobbing for I have no idea how long hoping it wouldn't hurt as much the next day.

So now is the lull; the busy push of our harvest and holiday season is over, and I am days away from being in Wisconsin then New York for a couple weeks, for the purpose of seeing my family, some friends, and having a good time.  Now is the morning when I wake up wondering how I am going to make sure there is a smile on my face for Christmas with my family here, for Christmas with my family there, for the party at my parents house we've turned into an annual event, for dinners, for reunions with friends in New York...  These are all things I've been looking forward to for months, and I know I will get there, but I have to find my way. 

Today I shall be quiet.  Today I will let it be ok for me not to be anything for anybody else.  Today I have no obligation and no pressure.  Today I can cry whenever I want to.  Today I will look forward to Christmas however I am moved to, be it enjoying the ridiculously Jesus-y carols or scowling at people as they cheerfully shop.

Better Off

Dear You,

I deserved at least a phone call.

I don't believe you were faking anything with me so that means that either you suddenly lost interest, chose someone else, or decided it was too much.

One way or another you decided to just stop. I understand that when you're not into someone, un-returned calls and messages don't seem nearly as big of a deal to you as they do to the person on the other end. We had an intense connection. I opened up to you quickly in a way that I haven't in a long time. You gave me reason to hope a little and trust a little, and I deserved at least being told "it's just not going to happen" if not an explanation.

I don't care if this note makes me seem crazy. I know what I am and what I am not, and I've seen crazy, and this ain't it.

Eventually we'll run into each other, and it'll be polite and cordial and just fine. And because I probably won't ever tell you in person, I'll tell you just in my own head and here where you'll probably never read it - you hurt my feelings. You were capable of manning up and being honest with me and you failed. Shame on you.

So here's to me finding out now before anything more than just some silly feelings were invested.

Cheers,

Me

Easy Silence

Anybody who knows me well enough knows I'm a sucker for a sweet simple pop song. I first heard the Dixie Chicks "Easy Silence" when I bought their Taking The Long Way album, the most recent one that was a big deal because it was made in reaction to the anti-Dixie Chicks uproar after the lead singer made her I'm-ashamed-Bush-is-from-Texas comments in March 2003. (Which, by the way, made me want to buy all their albums twice. My mom bought two copies of this cd just on principle.) While I can probably sing along to all the songs on this I hit repeat for track #2 every time I heard it.

At the time I was seeing someone and we were at the point in the relationship where everything is perfect. As it happens we had to end it before it really has a chance to go anywhere, or get into any of the hard stuff, so as a result the song reminds me of a happy moment, a high and loving moment, an example of how good it should be.

The song, while being easy, folky, country, and poppy, does have incredibly and simply sweet lyrics. It speaks to what I think I need in a partner - to give me a sense of calm and peace and ease of being.

There is so much craziness around us, so much noise and activity and commotion. Part of it is out of our control but much of the noise is self-inflicted. We have so many different things happening at once that it's often more effort to really Be Quiet than it is to keep at least a couple balls in the air.

It feels like a gift to me when I realize I can be quiet and comfortable and peaceful with somebody. That sense of shared calm, that quiet connection - that feels so valuable to me.