Secret V

I wish your mysterious poetic Facebook status updates were written for me.

What It Is

Just so you know, it's not the thing that you always talk about, or that's become a little bit of a joke, the number one thing on our list.  Nor is it the number two thing on the list.
It's the way you talk to me about things I know nothing about and not once have you ever made me feel even a little bit less than smart and worthy of the explanation.  And you explain things over and over and over and I really like that.  It's the way you are genuinely interested in what I have to say about everything from food and farming to puppies and hyperlinks.
It's the way you've changed your body a good amount over the years but you are still so powerfully familiar to me.  The way all of you feels really soft all the time.  It's the way you show me that you think I am beautiful and sexy in a way that would be ridiculous to doubt.  The way you can move me where you want me but are perfectly ok with me moving exactly where I want to be.  It's also the way you are really confused and funny and annoying yet endearing in the early morning when neither of us want to be awake.
It's the way your face changes when you talk about someone you love, or when you talk about something that might make me cry, or when you talk about something that you're just figuring out is happening inside of you.  It's seeing how much it matters to you that you don't do anything with us that will make me not want to be friends with you anymore.

Dearest

Dear You,

I recorded a voice memo to myself a while ago, the morning you left, telling myself that it was probably for the best we hadn't had sex this time because we probably would have went and fallen in love. It is probably for the best that we've ruled out a relationship because I have a feeling that might be it for both of us.

Everything with you is simple, everything between us is so simple, which is why this is complicated. I don't talk about you with my friends except when they ask, and they usually don't because they've seen us together and yet they know you're not my boyfriend... so they know it couldn't be easy either way.

When I hear love and heartbreak songs on the radio, I think of others, ones who have all hurt. When I hear something that reminds me of home I think of you.

We had our bullshit between us early and I'm glad you got it out of the way. I'm also glad you apologized when we saw each other unexpectedly and I'm so glad I decided to listen. I'm so glad you walked me home that night and walked up the hill for me every night after.

You are a sweet surprise, you are comfort and safety, and you are probably impossible. We will both probably look back in five or ten years and think of one another with a smile, and wonder why or what if for just a moment, or a few if we're feeling nostalgic.

The truth is that's ok because I'd rather have you as a memory than not to have you at all.
The truth really is that I'd rather have you as my present than a part of my past.

Love,

Me

Secret IV

I cheated.

I saw where the line was, surrounded by gray area, and I bounced across it happily. I don't feel guilty about any of it.

Secret III

There is somebody in my life that I would probably say "yes" to if they asked me today to marry them. We've never dated.

Secret II

Sometimes I wear an old housedress of my mother's to sleep in.

It is cheap terry material with horizontal white and neon green stripes.
It is clingy and very comfortable and hideous.

I should have known it was over between my ex and I when I was willing to wear that in front of him.

Secret

I have a big crush on Kai Reisdal. He is the Marketplace host on NPR. He is funny, plays good music between the bits, and talks about financial issues in a way even I can understand. I really like his voice. On the occasion he breaks out into laughter it's and extra scoop of sprinkles on my ice cream sundae fantasy.

I have no idea what he looks like, or how his name is spelled. I don't want to look it up because there would probably be a picture of him, and that would probably ruin it.