All The Way Home and Back Again

A lot of things have been happening and I feel like I am having a hard time catching up...

Ted Kennedy died last week. One of my first memories of my father crying had something to do with Robert Kennedy. There are countless Kennedy books on my parents bookshelves, and I've stood at JFK's Eternal Flame with my father more than a couple times to pay our respects and shed our tears for could have been. I didn't read the articles the day Edward Kennedy died nor have I watched the President's eulogy, nor did I spring for the $10 Newsweek Special Commemorative Edition... it's all happened to fast and I want to give it due time and reflect properly but it's been a week and it's getting ahead of me.

I was in Wisconsin for almost 80 hours last weekend, Madison for most of it. I walked through my high school for the first time in almost a decade and was impressed with how clean it was yet how it had only seemed to change in insignificant surface ways. I walked through with my father to see an art show of my brothers work that he did as himself and as Solve, curated in by my mother and cousin in the gallery in the high school that he almost didn't graduate from.

It was unseasonably cold but sunny and beautiful all weekend. Friday night there was an unexpected thunderstorm that I got to feel start standing on my parents front porch with a glass of whiskey in my hand and the arms of a man around me.

I found out one of my oldest and best friends is having a baby, I cried when she told me and when I saw a photo of the sonogram.

I went to the farmers market with my sister and we bought coffee, cheese curds, tomatoes, and pastries full of carbohydrates because she said that was the only thing she really wanted.

I saw my cousin get married on Saturday with almost my whole family and it was a fabulous party, complete with a wardrobe malfunction (mine), a drunk best man that quoted Macbeth and called me a bitch in the same breath (which he was quite proud of), a speech from the father-of-the-groom that brought everyone to tears, first in laughter then not, and a bad ass first dance.
Most of us drank a little too much but as always we had not nearly enough time together, and it made me want to do it all over again next weekend, and not just for the generous open bar. My family is just... well, they are amazing. Everyone thinks so. And now they've started placing bets on who will be the next cousin to get hitched.

Sunday I went to a movie. It was totally unplanned and not a movie I would have seen by myself but I was invited and I went and it actually felt like a proper and wonderful date. It was a perfect Sunday afternoon and then we met my family to eat food from the festival that happens every year in the park across the street from my parents house.

My sister slept off the fever she'd had for a day and a half by Monday morning, and we bought coffee and t-shirts from the closest coffee shop to my parents house, then walked the mile and a half downtown to see the show in honor of my brother downtown. My Dad bought us some of my favorite sandwiches on the way to my airport.

Before I knew it I was back in California. I had a scratchy throat and I cried to my sister on my two hour drive from the airport to home about not knowing what I wanted to do with my life. Then I got home and my aunt and uncle were happy to see me and I felt like I was home, and the dogs wagged their tails.

Yesterday I worked for around ten hours and today my throat's still scratchy. I have not yet blocked off time to read about Ted Kennedy, although I did manage to unpack my over packed carry-on suitcase.

Easy Silence

Anybody who knows me well enough knows I'm a sucker for a sweet simple pop song. I first heard the Dixie Chicks "Easy Silence" when I bought their Taking The Long Way album, the most recent one that was a big deal because it was made in reaction to the anti-Dixie Chicks uproar after the lead singer made her I'm-ashamed-Bush-is-from-Texas comments in March 2003. (Which, by the way, made me want to buy all their albums twice. My mom bought two copies of this cd just on principle.) While I can probably sing along to all the songs on this I hit repeat for track #2 every time I heard it.

At the time I was seeing someone and we were at the point in the relationship where everything is perfect. As it happens we had to end it before it really has a chance to go anywhere, or get into any of the hard stuff, so as a result the song reminds me of a happy moment, a high and loving moment, an example of how good it should be.

The song, while being easy, folky, country, and poppy, does have incredibly and simply sweet lyrics. It speaks to what I think I need in a partner - to give me a sense of calm and peace and ease of being.

There is so much craziness around us, so much noise and activity and commotion. Part of it is out of our control but much of the noise is self-inflicted. We have so many different things happening at once that it's often more effort to really Be Quiet than it is to keep at least a couple balls in the air.

It feels like a gift to me when I realize I can be quiet and comfortable and peaceful with somebody. That sense of shared calm, that quiet connection - that feels so valuable to me.

Red White & Blue

I love this country. It is the best country on the planet and still worth standing up for, as flawed as we are - we are still a true democracy and I'm proud.
I also love the New York Times, who had this simply printed on the back of the front section:
Have you read The Declaration of Independence lately? Or the Constitution? Maybe we all should, and really think about what it meant then, and what it means now. Maybe if we did that we'd stop hollering at each other and be able to have a discussion. That is my wish this 4th of July.

Happy Independence Day!

Newsosaur

I got to have dinner the other night with my aunt, my uncle, and this guy.

We talked about a broad variety of subjects including religion, porn, socks, wealth, revenge, and of course, the state of journalism today.

It made me think, what do more of people my own age think about the state of journalism? Do most of us think about it? I believe that if tomorrow all newspapers disappeared, most of us would feel it. We'd miss the touch of newspapers, the physicality of the information and images. I can't argue against the power and scope of news on the internet, but I think we've arrived at a disconnect between us getting our information and actually appreciating where it comes from.
Reporting - actual journalism, people - takes time and *money*... Until the last decade plus, the sale of newspapers and advertising fed that need. But now, since everything is a click away and they stopped making us pay for it, they are quickly going out of business.

So what do we do? I know I've thought a lot about it, and I know there are smarter and more powerful people thinking about it and actually trying to do something. Inevitably newspapers as we know them cannot last. I really really really hope they can figure something out though so I can still sit with a paper on my lap as I sip coffee. That is one of my true pleasures. In fact as I flipped through the New York Times this morning I actually got excited to spend some quality time with it later because every single cover story was one I wanted to finish. It's going to be a treat sometime later in the day.

Every day as I acknowledge how much smaller the paper has gotten I send out a silent wish. "Please save yourselves, newspaper people. We'll pay as soon as you start making us. Love, Caitlin."

Patriot Act

I am a very liberal-minded, and liberal-voting, person, who happens to have many close friends who fall at various spots on the right of the political spectrum. Many of my friends not only vote republican, but participated in some of the more, in my opinion, ugly and hateful Obama-bashing before (and since) the last election (and some throw some nice immigrant/gay bashing into the mix). When it's an online post or a forwarded email, most of the time I don't respond because we've had the discussions, and when we have it again I'd rather we can both really hear each other.

One of these friends (we'll call him S) is someone whom I've kept in touch with pretty regularly since I left North Carolina almost two years ago. He is a huge Texan man, an MP in the Army, and a loyal and protective friend and husband. He also sends me email forwards on a weekly basis, and while most of them are funny, a chunk of them consist of inflammatory right-wing rhetoric. Whereas usually I'm pretty good at letting things roll off and picking my battles, when I actually read one of those yesterday, a 'school teachers letter to Obama', it just really pissed me off.
What follows is my reply to him:

"Hi S,

I want you to know I hope you are doing very well; I hope you are happy and safe where you are.

I would love to hear from you, anything at all from you, but I would like you to stop sending me all these forwards.

I would love to have a conversation with you, an intelligent conversations, about what you think about the president and why. I know you are a smart man and have an opinion that I have no doubt I'd love to hear. Personally, I've supported President Obama for a long time and think he is doing a pretty good job, especially considering the shit sandwich he was handed.

Why is it that when it was President Bush in office, and somebody opposed him, they were being unpatriotic, especially because we were at war, but people who shamelessly attack President Obama with spite and vigor (although we are still at war, whars he opposed but has now taken as his own), are just doing their duty as citizens?

I want to hear someone honestly answer that question. I think a true patriot is someone who does think, who questions themselves as well as their leaders, and is willing to speak out in dissent. But where did our respect for each other and each others opinions go? Just because we don't agree on many things doesn't mean we can't still have respect and love for each other.

I am offended by the hateful and dishonest propoganda that speeds around the internet stirring up fear and distrust in its wake. If I wanted to participate in that kind of thinking, the 'if you're not with us you're against us' thinking, I would watch Fox News.

Everything is not black and white, in fact, I think most of us are in the gray, but somehow we are being convinced that whatever side you're on, there's just no way to meed in the middle.

Please don't take this personally S, as I have the utmost respect for you, your job, and your family. You know me and I think you understand that.

Love,

Caitlin"