After a series of unsatisfying, frustrating, and at times hurtful encounters with men, I've decided to take some time off.
I realize that for some of you that know me well enough, there are any number of jokes that could be inserted here. No, time off does not mean just until next weekend, and no, it does not mean I'm going to date women instead. (Not that the idea isn't appealing in a lot of ways, but that is a subject for an entirely different blog, if not essay.) I have been thinking a solid six months is a good start, but I'm not setting anything in stone. It could easily be longer, and if it's a shorter hiatus I'm not going to beat myself up too much. In the meantime I am finding more constructive uses of my time - I've started this blog, am taking up needlepoint, have sent out a lot of thank-you cards, and will most likely be drinking more heavily in the coming months.
In addition to being able to stitch a nice pillow cover, however, I do have a somewhat more serious motivation behind this decision.
I need to let go of the instant gratification mindset and the "If-I-don't-seize-it-now-it'll-be-gone-forever" feeling, because I have learned that the things that are worth it, worth me, don't tend to fade away quickly. I realize that many of my past disappointments could have been avoided by taking even just a night (or better a week, but who wants to ponder for a whole week?) to think about them.
Now, not all my moments of expedited judgment have been mistakes - on the contrary. My decisions to go with what feels right, or good, at that moment, have ultimately brought me to where I am today, and for the most part I'm working with a pretty solid foundation. Most of what I know about my strengths, weaknesses, and habits I've learned by bouncing off other people. And, I have had a lot of fun.
I am in a place in my life where distraction is a relief, and men (and all the degrees of relationships one can have with men) have become a focus that hasn't been this prominent since puberty. I am ready to admit that I have been avoiding doing what I need to, which is, in the most cliche sense, 'work on me'.
I know I'm still grieving, I know that's a road that I don't see the end of, but I feel ripe for a foundational change within me, and I don't want to waste it.
In the meantime, you can find me debating the merits of a thimble over my fifth glass of wine. Cheers.