I realize that for some of you that know me well enough, there are any number of jokes that could be inserted here. No, time off does not mean just until next weekend, and no, it does not mean I'm going to date women instead. (Not that the idea isn't appealing in a lot of ways, but that is a subject for an entirely different blog, if not essay.) I have been thinking a solid six months is a good start, but I'm not setting anything in stone. It could easily be longer, and if it's a shorter hiatus I'm not going to beat myself up too much. In the meantime I am finding more constructive uses of my time - I've started this blog, am taking up needlepoint, have sent out a lot of thank-you cards, and will most likely be drinking more heavily in the coming months.
In addition to being able to stitch a nice pillow cover, however, I do have a somewhat more serious motivation behind this decision.
I need to let go of the instant gratification mindset and the "If-I-don't-seize-it-now-it'll-be-gone-forever" feeling, because I have learned that the things that are worth it, worth me, don't tend to fade away quickly. I realize that many of my past disappointments could have been avoided by taking even just a night (or better a week, but who wants to ponder for a whole week?) to think about them.
Now, not all my moments of expedited judgment have been mistakes - on the contrary. My decisions to go with what feels right, or good, at that moment, have ultimately brought me to where I am today, and for the most part I'm working with a pretty solid foundation. Most of what I know about my strengths, weaknesses, and habits I've learned by bouncing off other people. And, I have had a lot of fun.
I am in a place in my life where distraction is a relief, and men (and all the degrees of relationships one can have with men) have become a focus that hasn't been this prominent since puberty. I am ready to admit that I have been avoiding doing what I need to, which is, in the most cliche sense, 'work on me'.
I know I'm still grieving, I know that's a road that I don't see the end of, but I feel ripe for a foundational change within me, and I don't want to waste it.
In the meantime, you can find me debating the merits of a thimble over my fifth glass of wine. Cheers.
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A hiatus is always a good way to reassess whatever needs reassessing. I am taking a hiatus from a group of friends that, though fun to be around sometimes, are not healthy for me or really good friends. I, too, understand the "getting back to me" phase. I applaud you. But more importantly, can you teach me needle point?!?!?!
ReplyDeleteI know this isnt what you're getting at with your blog, which you have explained eloquently, but im not gonna lie. when i read you express yourself it reminds me of grandpa's hitch hiker's guide, you write beautifully even if it does come in blog-length spurts. so cheers, and good luck workin on you.
ReplyDeleteHi Caitlin! It's Kamila. I stumbled across your blog via facebook. I completely agree--oftentimes men and the various forms relationships take occupy SOOO much of our thinking and energy. I've been doing a lot of "work on me" and have gotten clear about how I want to show up in my life period, whether or not there is a man in my life or not. Well mama, if you're still in northern Cali, hit me up. Big kisses.
ReplyDeleteGood for you. You should come up and visit and we can embroider together and I'll teach you how to applique and we can generally just be annoyingly martha while we watch GA run around singing to teddy bears!
ReplyDeleteHmmm... I've heard this before, me thinks... Do it for real this time... and stay away from military bases.
ReplyDeleteI'm with ya on the hiatus Babe!!
ReplyDeleteMike, oh yee of little faith. Phases are to be grown out of, no? You just wait my dear. And, how much further away from military bases could I be? Really, where else could I go that would be better than here?
ReplyDeleteWhat a great idea. Anyone who thinks they're done working on themselves as a person is in denial. I've spent a whole year working on myself and guess what I found out? I'm actually kind of cool. :-) Good luck and have a blast. Love your blog and love and miss you terribly.
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