22 May 2010

Secret V

I wish your mysterious poetic Facebook status updates were written for me.

17 May 2010

The Things Left Unsaid

I miss you.  I miss your calming presence, I miss your quiet.  I miss your comfortable shape, I miss you holding my hand.  I miss your soft voice and the way you curve your r's.  I miss the way you kiss me.  I miss your hands.  I miss your beard and I miss your clean-shaven.  I miss loving each other but not daring to say it.

How About Not.

I probably don't owe you.  If I tolerate you putting your emotions on me, it's because I am a kind and generous person.  And, you probably just created an awkward situation that I would rather walk away from than make you feel bad about, because I generally don't like to be the cause of other people feeling bad.
Please don't confuse you saying something to make yourself feel better with saying something just to to put it out in the open.  Because most times, if you're not sure how I was "going to take it", it's probably something I didn't really need to hear.  Especially if we have for the most part a casual relationship.  Just because I'm nice and you've imagined there may be more happening doesn't mean I want to know any more about you than I already know.  You may have thought you needed to tell me, but really, and let's be honest with ourselves here, you really just wanted me to know.  Please don't act like you're acting from a selfless place. 

I know that I don't need to respond any which way, and actually I don't need to respond at all.  I know that.  I may or may not when I get my head sorted out, but you may not want to hear what I have to say to you.  If your therapist, or friend, or inner voice, or whatever, told you that maybe you should just be open with me, maybe think twice about whether or not I'm really going to want to hear what you have to say.  Maybe, just maybe, you may be turning an otherwise nice day in the opposite direction for me.  So maybe keep your mouth shut.

12 May 2010


Do not tell me "I can't get you out of my head" if you want to be out of mine.
Especially when it's based on little more than a few hours and a healthy dose of chemistry.  Especially when preceded with the words "I don't know what you did to me but..."  Especially when certain specifics seem to align themselves just right, yet others seem so impossible.  Especially when I believe you actually have the will and the way to make it more than just potential, more then a far-off fantasy of maybe-one-more-night-together.

11 May 2010

What It Is

Just so you know, it's not the thing that you always talk about, or that's become a little bit of a joke, the number one thing on our list.  Nor is it the number two thing on the list.
It's the way you talk to me about things I know nothing about and not once have you ever made me feel even a little bit less than smart and worthy of the explanation.  And you explain things over and over and over and I really like that.  It's the way you are genuinely interested in what I have to say about everything from food and farming to puppies and hyperlinks.
It's the way you've changed your body a good amount over the years but you are still so powerfully familiar to me.  The way all of you feels really soft all the time.  It's the way you show me that you think I am beautiful and sexy in a way that would be ridiculous to doubt.  The way you can move me where you want me but are perfectly ok with me moving exactly where I want to be.  It's also the way you are really confused and funny and annoying yet endearing in the early morning when neither of us want to be awake.
It's the way your face changes when you talk about someone you love, or when you talk about something that might make me cry, or when you talk about something that you're just figuring out is happening inside of you.  It's seeing how much it matters to you that you don't do anything with us that will make me not want to be friends with you anymore.

08 May 2010

C&R left early this morning for Mexico...

In the car on the way to the airport I told them about something that happened last night that was horrible and terrifying.  It was resolved, but such a scare left me in a bit of a haze. 
A few hours later I wrote them this email:


I have the most anxious dreams last night that consist of being late to a choir concert, to my best friends wedding, not having the dress altered, not having make up on, being locked out of the hotel room and when I finally get in finding they have taped over everything in the shower to fix something.
As I'm standing in the kitchen this morning looking at the oil and vinegar next to the stove (irl) I remember that part of the dream was also that you had turned around and come home from the airport because they wouldn't let you check everything that you wanted to.  (In the dream Colleen you were defiantly telling Ridge I'll make that same stuff without all this, you won't even know the difference.)
I'm so glad you weren't actually back home.  Not because I (and the pups of course) don't want you here but because you two of all the folks in the world deserve some sun on your bods and smiles on your faces - 2 things I think you'll be able to find on that Mexican beach.

So.  After one of the weirdest (horrible) nights, feeling such darkness and desperation, albeit briefly, last night, then with those dreams, then when I finally decide to pay attention to things around me and can handle whatever might be in the roll on the coffee table, then I read your note on it Colleen, and then I cry because I don't know what else to do.  Then I unroll Brendan's painting, and it is, and it's different then I remember, but more beautiful then I could ever imagine.

I don't know what planets are shifting or passing or setting, but in a completely weird moment I am so grateful for these dogs, so grateful to be here at this place, and so grateful for you.  (In no particular order.)

I love you,

04 May 2010

Bad Boys, Bartenders, Boozers, Bruisers, and Bad Decisions

With those simple words my friends I basically summed up my love life over the last three years.  
Actually, more like five or six.

Those labels are by no means mutually exclusive.  And bruisers doesn't mean they beat me.  Just to be clear.