16 March 2010


I've been thinking a lot about what's next.

I am ready for a transition to something more, but what that will look like is still very fluid and fuzzy. 

The most difficult part of any change, for me, is the way it changes my relationships with people.  In the last couple months I have been savoring moments with people a little more deeply, and a little sadly.  Part of this is because I am not talking about what might come next with more than a very close handful - really, those that would be affected directly.  Intentionally not discussing a topic does not come naturally to me.  If something is there, on my mind or imminently present in some way, you can usually bet I'll have some words on it.

In the last week my demons of insecurity of loneliness have been especially pungent.  Ironically, because I have been really busy with work and socially and have been around people more than in the average week.  I think maybe that's the crux of it - the more I feel fulfilled and stimulated socially and emotionally, the more difficult it seems it will be to decide to leave.

I am taking a day off today and so far I've done exactly what I wanted to do, which was nothing.  I slept a long time, and am more or less still in bed into the afternoon.  Letting my mind wander as I search birdcage veils and watch Friday Night Lights on the internet is what I needed; rather than putting off thinking about hard things or making hard decisions, it's actually letting my mind relax into itself.  My mother has told me on several occasions that she knows when I'm making a big decision, or figuring out a problem, because I won't talk about it and I'll go more or less radio silent for a time, and when I do surface I'll have some answers.

I found a moment of acceptance in my bed meditation today.  Wherever I go, be it down the road or a continent away, I will still be with myself.  My insecurities, my demons that I've been dancing with as long as I can remember, are likely to stay with me.  So let those not guide my path.  Let these decisions be made based on what I know about me and my abilities rather than what I fear.  

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