Now is the moment, before the parties and the hugs and the reunions and all the things that I know I will be "on" for, when I question if I can do it, when I feel my most fragile and my most sad.
I realize what I am in a room of people, be it three others that I know when or 50 that I may not, that I attract attention. I have since I was a child although I've owned it since I was a teenager. Usually I like the attention, I like the energy, I like that I can feel close to people fairly quickly with little more than a smile and a touch on the arm.
It has been a very busy two months and I have not taken almost any time for myself. I don't know what this would have meant two years ago but now it means I haven't allowed myself to think too much about how much I miss my brother. I realized that some nights ago when I found myself on the floor in a ball sobbing for I have no idea how long hoping it wouldn't hurt as much the next day.
So now is the lull; the busy push of our harvest and holiday season is over, and I am days away from being in Wisconsin then New York for a couple weeks, for the purpose of seeing my family, some friends, and having a good time. Now is the morning when I wake up wondering how I am going to make sure there is a smile on my face for Christmas with my family here, for Christmas with my family there, for the party at my parents house we've turned into an annual event, for dinners, for reunions with friends in New York... These are all things I've been looking forward to for months, and I know I will get there, but I have to find my way.
Today I shall be quiet. Today I will let it be ok for me not to be anything for anybody else. Today I have no obligation and no pressure. Today I can cry whenever I want to. Today I will look forward to Christmas however I am moved to, be it enjoying the ridiculously Jesus-y carols or scowling at people as they cheerfully shop.